Overwhelmed, Beneath Me
by Daimeera
Summary: Ellie's diarywith a twist. This story lets you see inside her webjournal. Begins during Whisper to a Scream. Not being updated.
1. I

I don't own Degrassi. I've never met the people that own Degrassi. I'm sometimes ashamed of my own addiction to Degrassi. But damnit, I'll love it until I die. Title courtesy of Black Tape for a Blue Girl. Do visit their site at They're an awesome ethereal goth band.

This is my version of Ellie's journal, a much overdone fanfic, but still fun to do. I've decided to make it be a webjournal, to add a nice little twist. This begins during Whisper to a Scream.

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My dad left today. Peacekeeping mission. Mom's already drunk on the couch--guess she just can't handle it. I can't either, not with her not handling it, but I have to anyway.

Have my co-op interview tomorrow. I don't know why I'm even bothering--Paige will get it for sure. She's charismatic, popular, and preppy, and I'm just a nobody. It's my dream job, but that doesn't really matter. I'll probably end up working as a secretary or something in--gasp!--pantyhose. Horrible rotten things they are.

Anyway, it's really late. Just thought I'd update before I went to bed.

-El [NoLabels]

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Comments: 0


	2. II

I don't own Degrassi. I've never met the people that own Degrassi. I'm sometimes ashamed of my own addiction to Degrassi. But damnit, I'll love it until I die. Title courtesy of Black Tape for a Blue Girl. Do visit their site at They're an awesome ethereal goth band.

* * *

Today was a total and complete disaster. Last night I got home late, so I couldn't do my homework. Of course, there was a pop-quiz in math, and of course, I failed. Wonderful. The only bright side about dad being away is that he won't have to know about it, and mom won't care.

Then at lunch, Paige spilled juice all over my shirt. Figures that I chose to wear white. It was bright purple, so it wouldn't come out, and I had to go to my interview that way. It least it was raining, so I had my raincoat on to cover it, but that's not a good first impression.

Totally bombed my interview. I smeared eyeliner all over my cheek, and my answers were about as brilliant and witty as those of a first grader. I'm sure I sounded like an idiot. There's no way I'll ever get the job now.

Mom was drunk again when I got home. It's hard to deal with. I went upstairs, and I hear her throwing up, and I just kind of lost it. I saw my compass on the floor, with it's nice, sharp, pointy end, and... But I won't do that again. I'm such an idiot. Who does that, really?

I'm such a loser. At least I have my friends, although Marco is preoccupied with Dylan, and Ash with Craig. But I don't deserve them anyway.

Ignore my whining. It's so not cool.

-Ellie [NoLabels]

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Comments: 1

[**enigmatic**] Hey, thanks for critiquing my poem. I'm sure things will go better for you tomorrow!


	3. III

I don't own Degrassi. I've never met the people that own Degrassi. I'm sometimes ashamed of my own addiction to Degrassi. But damnit, I'll love it until I die. Title courtesy of Black Tape for a Blue Girl. Do visit their site. They're an awesome ethereal goth band.

* * *

Oh. My. Gawd. I somehow managed to beat out Paige. It probably was, as she said, that Caitlin felt sorry for me, but hell, I'll take what I can get. Score one for the freaks!

So, my first day was today. (Sorry I haven't updated for a few.) Caitlin is absolutely awesome. She actually seemed pleased to have me working for her, god knows why. I get a store room all to myself--it's super neat. She even gave me an assignment. I'm checking out teen hotlines. Mixed feelings about that, it hits a little too close to home.

I was late for school this morning. Normally I'm a good kid, though, so they let it go, no warnings or anything. But, I had a test that period, and I missed some time I needed for it. It was a total killer, I don't think anyone finished, so no wonder I didn't.

And... I kind of lied a little bit in my last entry. When I said I wouldn't do a certain something again, well, I guess I spoke too soon. It's just, it makes everything better, you know? Like, I can function again. Besides, it's not like I'm doing drugs or anything. There's nothing wrong with me, it's just a little idiosyncrasy or something. Everyone has one. Right?

Mom's still drinking. She took yesterday off for some odd reason (yesterday was a super wonderful day), but was back at it worse than ever today. So, I just pretend to look the other way, rinse out the bottles, and cover her up when she falls asleep. No big deal. I can handle it. All families are screwed up in some way, other than that, I have it pretty good. I have money, a roof over my head, and my dad is the best dad in the world. So, who am I to complain?

Yours,

Ellie [NoLabels]

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Comments: 2

[**enigmatic**] Drinking is NOT cool. Don't settle, Ellie (can I call you that?).

[**crimsongashes**] u talking bout wut I think ur talking about?


	4. IV

I don't own Degrassi. I've never met the people that own Degrassi. I'm sometimes ashamed of my own addiction to Degrassi. But damnit, I'll love it until I die. Title courtesy of Black Tape for a Blue Girl. Do visit their site. They're an awesome ethereal goth band.

* * *

Sorry I haven't updated for awhile. There's been nothing new. Until today, that is. Today was... bad.

It started with me going to my co-op. I was late for school because of it, and the secretary threatened to take away my position. I mean, I'm trying. I'm trying to keep a handle on everything, to keep going, to keep everyone happy. And that, it just blew everything to bits.

I'm so stupid. I can't believe what I did next. I'd plead temporary insanity, only it's pretty obvious it's not just temporary. I just broke down. I went to the girl's washroom, and before I even knew what I was doing, my arm was bleeding.

And then Paige walked in.

And of course, she ruined everything. Everything. I almost got away with it. She was blabbering on about how much I suck or some such thing, and then looked over, and saw the blood. I, brilliant as ever, made the excuse that I bumped my arm. On "the thing." Way to go Ellie. Score negative a million for the freaks.

I was completely out of it. Left my late slip in the bathroom (there's another negative thousand points) but it didn't matter, it wasn't like I was going to go to class anyway. I mean, how could I after all that drama? And, of course, Ms. Butt-in-ski followed me. Accused me of who knows what, and for some reason convinced herself that I wanted to talk to her, or at least to some shrink. Gawd. Why couldn't she just stay out of it like a good little girl? We're worlds apart, she and I, so I don't see how she possibly thought she could help.

So after lunch, I dragged my butt to class. I didn't hear a word the teachers said, of course. I used to be a good student, back when dad was around, and mom wasn't drinking so much. I mean, I wasn't brilliant or anything, but I'd get A's on most everything. But now, things have just... fallen to pieces. Apparently, Kwan noticed. She asked me to stay after class, so I braced myself for a lecture.

I don't know why Kwan gets such a bad rap. I mean, sure, she's strict, and I didn't appreciated being detained, but it was sweet. She said she'd noticed me looking upset lately, and was hoping I was okay. Said I could talk to her if I ever needed to. Of course, I lied and said I was fine, but still. I guess I can't even pretend anymore, though.

I guess I'm grateful to her. If she hadn't kept me late, I wouldn't have run into Paige, and had a chance to save myself, at least a little bit.

I went by her, and then Ms. Sauve came out. Said she would talk to Paige about her friend in a moment. Of course, I knew it was me, even if I'm not exactly her friend. And it was.

Paige wouldn't leave me alone. I told her I was fine. That there was nothing wrong with me, but she kept hounding me. So, eventually, I showed her. It was just easier that way, and I figured if she was going to tell anyway, I might as well confess. That way, they might decide I wasn't entirely insane. She looked disgusted, or maybe that's her look of compassion. Either way, she covered it up well.

I couldn't talk to Sauve, so I let Paige do it. I was there though. She said she'd found me cutting myself (ugh, it sounds so ugly), and I managed to nod my confirmation when grilled. Then she left me there, with Sauve's eyes staring me down, and I didn't say a word.

For an entire hour.

I then said I was sorry to waste her time, and although she said I didn't, I knew it was a lie. So, I went home, sliced my arms open a few times, and then started writing this.

So, yeah. Pathetic, eh?

-El [NoLabels]

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Comments: 2

[**partyon**] paige sounds like she did the right thing. cut her some slack, she was just looking out for you.

[**enigmatic**] Give it time, darling. Hugs


	5. V

I don't own Degrassi. I've never met the people that own Degrassi. I'm sometimes ashamed of my own addiction to Degrassi. But damnit, I'll love it until I die. Title courtesy of Black Tape for a Blue Girl. They're an awesome ethereal goth band.

* * *

Did you know that cuts bruise around the edges? Mine do, at least. Maybe it's because I'm too lazy to get a new, sharp blade everytime, and instead I just go over and over the same spot until my skin splits apart. Not that I'll ever tell Sauve any of that.

I won't--no, can't--talk to her. I can't talk to anyone. It's not that I don't trust them, or like them, it's just none of their business. I mean, really, what's the problem? My body, my life. It's surely nowhere near as destructive as drugs, or even obesity, but fat people aren't hauled off to therapy the moment they gain a pound. Cutting is only lethal if you're stupid, and if you are, then you deserve to die anyway.

I went to the record store today. Total waste of time. Their punk section consists of Good Charlotte and Blink 182, and they're all out of CD's by Pink Floyd. I don't think they've even heard of The Cure. It's quite ridiculous. If they don't want us pirating music, maybe they should start stocking some--and no, this pop-punk shit is _not_ worthy of being called music.

I miss thrifting with Ash. Ever since she changed her look (again) and got close with Craig, she has no time to spend going through stinky clothing. Maybe the fact that I do is a reflection of my pathetic-ness. Oh well. Who am I to judge me, anyway?

Apparently, I suffer from randomness. I feel it's only fair to warn the readers (that don't exist) of my inclination to topic hop, or to simply end entries abruptly.

Like right here.

-El NoLabels

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Comments: 1

**punkprincess**don't be dissing Good Charlotte what kind of punk are you n e way?????


	6. VI

I don't own Degrassi. I've never met the people that own Degrassi. I'm sometimes ashamed of my own addiction to Degrassi. But damnit, I'll love it until I die. Title courtesy of Black Tape for a Blue Girl. They're an awesome ethereal goth band.

* * *

Apparently I'm a chronic liar. I actually said a few things in therapy today. It was just getting so exhausting, sitting there for an hour an a half staring at the wall and trying not to think. Of course, I never succeeded in blocking out my thoughts, and it ended up being more painful than talking, because all I could think about was my mom, and my dad being gone, and whatever was bothering me that day.

Oh don't sound the bells. I never claimed that I said much. I just told her some random stuff, like how I play guitar, and what Caitlin has me working on. She said it was good that I was "making an effort." Wow. I saw a few words and I get praise. Isn't there some psychobabble about how I'm being rewarded for doing what normal people do? Probably not. Ho hum.

I didn't tell her about last night, and I didn't show her, either. But hey, since this is a journal, what the hell, eh? I had a killer science test today--physics unit, which is incredibly blah. I hate science. I mean, I like science for what it's provided me with, but I just don't give a damn about it, you know? Anyway, stupid me left my books downstairs, and by the time I realized it, mom was drunk.

Now, I've gone downstairs before when she's drunk, but only after she's been out for awhile. When newly inebriated, she can be a drunk of the nastiest kind. So, I was scared to go downstairs. I knew I had to if I didn't want to fail, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I sat in my room making pretty designs all over myself. Some were deeper than I've ever gone. I mean, they're still not deep enough to need stitches, I don't think, but they were gaping slightly, which is new to me.

I've developed this thing about showing my arms. I mean, I showed Paige no problem when I knew she knew, but now, the thought of someone seeing just scares me to death. They're mine. They're my personal dirty secrets, every damn one, and I just, I don't know, I can't give that up. Sauve's picked up on it, I think. At first, she never bugged me to show them, now she's at my throat about it. She knows I'm still doing it, I guess. I mean, I never came right out and said it, but it's obvious that therapy's not really doing anything for me. I know that's my own fault, but I don't want to be helped. Well, I don't think I do. I don't know. I can't tell her about my mom. If anything happened, dad would just... tailspin. And I know I shouldn't try and protect him--he's the adult I'm the child--but I just can't hurt him. He's the only good thing in my life right now. Ash is so busy with Craig, and I don't blame her, and Marco and I are drifting apart because I don't have the energy to put anything into, well, us. And I have the co-op position, but if my grades keep dropping, they'll take that from me, too. I don't know how to handle this anymore.

It's just... hard.

-El NoLabels

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Comments: 2

**partyon** I don't really know you, so take this with a grain of salt, but you seem to be starting to realize that this isn't a good thing. it even seems like you're starting to want some help. you are starting to talk to the councelor after all.

**Ashley** (This user was not logged in to post a comment.) God, Ellie (I'm assuming this is you, and not some other random Ellie with friends called Ash and Marco), I wish you could have told me. I didn't mean to seem so wrapped up in Craig. I'm sorry. How's this: mom was planning to take me to Montreal soon anyway, so I'll try and convince her to talk you along. We can have some r&r, reconnect and all that. Have a really good talk, for a change. I miss you. I miss being with you. And I'm sorry I haven't been.


End file.
